


What If I Never Love Again?

by heyjayyay



Category: The 100 (TV), The 100 (TV) RPF, The 100 Series - Kass Morgan
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Heavy Angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-01
Updated: 2019-03-02
Packaged: 2019-11-07 17:45:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,217
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17965193
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heyjayyay/pseuds/heyjayyay
Summary: Explosive - that’s how Anya would describe her first real encounter with Raven Reyes. If only she knew how reflective that one word would be in encompassing their entire relationship.





	1. Chapter 1

**It was hard to ignore the fact that they both knew- it was never supposed to end this way.**

 

She remembered the free-spirited girl, crass sense of humor, and cheeky banter during late night study sessions that turned into cuddling and makeouts. She was a firecracker and a burning flame; warm, glowing, but dangerous all the same - equipped with enough to destroy everything in her path.

They got together in college, but she knew her much longer. In fact, Raven and Anya were always within one another’s orbit. Anya was Lexa’s best friend. Raven was Clarke’s. And “Clexa” had been high school sweethearts. Anyone who saw them knew it was meant to be.

When they both got accepted to Stanford, while their best friends went to UCLA, Anya finally experienced the feeling she’d teased Lexa about for countless years. How stupid she’d been for missing out; depriving herself of it. Sometimes she would think back on how much time they had wasted. But it was pointless to dwell on the past. She knew that. And it was a painful lesson to have learned.

It had started with simple text messages - an occasional invite for coffee or a study session. It was the general sense of familiarity when starting at a new school and the sight of a friendly face that initially brought them together.

\---

Raven flopped into the chair across from her, the wooden legs screeching as they dragged across the tile floor of the coffee shop. Anya scanned her sunken features and the dark rings under eyes. Her hair was tied in a haphazard bun atop her head.

“Why do you look like the afterlife?”

“I pulled my third all-nighter in a row.” Raven shrugged as she took another swig of her coffee.

“That’s really unhealthy.” Anya noticed the way the words seemed to pull the last bit of strength out of the Latina as they fell from her lips. “Raven, you need to sleep.”

Raven snorted. “Are you my friend or my mother?”

Anya rolled her eyes. “My name means ‘mother’ in Russian. So whatever way you look at it...”

Raven balled up her napkin, chucking it at Anya, whose reflexes responded with agility.

“Spoil sport.” Her friend grumbled, but Anya caught a sparkle dart across her eyes, the first sign of life Raven had exhibited in the past ten minutes.

She took another harsh gulp of the caffeinated drink in her hand. “My physics class is kicking my ass this semester. Like, kicking it, running it over with a bulldozer, and then scraping it off the concrete to kick it again.”

Anya bit back her laughter, though her lips couldn’t resist tilting to the side. “Should I get you another one, just in case? On me.”

“Ugh! Yes, please.”

Anya straightened, pushing back her chair before striding to the counter.  Black coffee and a pinch of sugar, Anya relayed Raven’s usual to the barista who eyed her with a mix of fearful judgment and timid respect. She tilted her chin up as she swiped the drink from the countertop. When she turned to check up on the walking zombie, she found her with a deadly glare, ready to bite the strange boy who was now hovering over their table.

“Let me save you the time, bud.” She heard Raven sass the intruder. “I’m not interested. Move along.”

“Bitch.” He muttered under his breath as he walked away.

Anya smiled to herself. She liked Raven’s spunk. She handed the Latina the cup with a smirk. “Not interested?”

“Already got my eye on someone else.”

She didn’t know why the new information tugged at her chest. Anya fought to keep her frown from showing. “Oh. Good to know.”

Raven kicked her shin.

“What the hell?”

“You!”

She furled a brow. “Huh?”

“I’ve got my eye on _you_ , Anya.” Raven spelled out with bluntness.

“Oh.” Her eyes widened. “Very good to know.”

Raven rolled her eyes, but Anya still caught her smiling into her second coffee of the morning.

\---

Soon the coffee breaks turned to dinners. Dinners turned to movie nights. And movie nights turned to morning afters.

When Lexa found out, Anya was certain her face had never burned so bright. Her normal scowl was reduced to a giddy smile. Her only method of retaliation was to throw a pillow in her best friend's direction while biting her lip bottom in a hopeless attempt to return her features to something more impassive.

She remembered Raven asking during one of the unfortunate nights they spent apart, what she would be doing if she was there - who’d be the big spoon and where her hands would be when they cuddled. Anya’s reply had been surprisingly tame.

“Maybe just one hand tracing little patterns on your hip bone under your shirt.”

_“That’s it?”_

“Umm, yes?”

_“No sexy groping? Grinding and making out?”_

“There doesn’t have to be. I could just hold you.”

Raven had snorted, calling Anya a “secret softie” before finally falling asleep on the other line. When Raven’s breathing grew heavy and a light snore could be heard over the speaker, Anya hung up with a whispered “goodnight.” A few minutes later, her phone buzzed. Raven called back, only to yawn and insist upon falling asleep with Anya’s presence on the other end. Anya had to bite her tongue to keep from commenting on the irony.

She should have known it was _game over_ from then.

\---

“I have a six hour mock-trial session tonight. You should go back to the apartment. We won’t be done until late.”

Raven shrugged as she plopped in the back row, ignoring the ‘no food in the auditorium’ policy, with a bag of takeout and a jerky, string-cheese “sandwich” between her teeth. She was the only other person Anya knew actually liked to eat them the way she did. And when Raven had jokingly told her she was her soulmate for it, Anya’s heart leapt halfway out of her chest. She grasped for the jerky in Raven’s hand to stuff her mouth before a certain trio of words could escape.

She swallowed the string of syllables as Raven leaned forward, biting off half of the piece from her mouth. The Latina rested her head on Anya’s shoulder with a comfortable sigh, settling into her side. Anya felt her bones soften, as she inhaled the oddly satisfying blend of sandalwood and gasoline scents.

Six hours after her lunch break, the applause of one sole audience member erupted from the back corner of the auditorium with hoots loud enough to make Anya’s highly-risen cheeks fleck with red. The rosy hue crept all the way down her neck and flushed across her chest - the same chest that was later littered with kisses and roaming hands.  Through panting breaths and sweaty caresses, she let the words from early burst through her lungs as she toppled over the edge.

\---

“Finally! Way to work up the balls!” Raven laughed, slapping her bare ass.

“Excuse me?” Anya jolted in response, throwing the sheets over her now stinging skin.

“Oh come on, Anya!” Raven nudged her with her hip, the heat of her skin pressing against Anya’s sent electric shocks straight through her spine. “I know you’ve wanted to ask me to be your girlfriend for months!”

Her jaw dropped. “Then why didn’t you say anything?”

“Can you imagine if I called you out before you were ready?” Raven sniggered. “Lesbihonest here. You’re a little too proud.” Her girlfriend teased, combing her fingers though Anya’s tangled hair. “I like it though.  You do things on your own. Even if you’re still stupid and take forever doing them. Besides, that was probably the sexiest sounding orgasm I’ve ever heard you have.”

She buried her face into the pillow.

\---

She couldn’t resist teasing Lexa for her enthusiasm. The plan was to propose after graduation, but her best friend just couldn’t wait until they finished college. The call came a few weeks before the summer of their junior year. Though, it hadn’t taken her by surprise. Clarke and Lexa had already been living together for three years up to that point. Honestly, they were practically married already. They just needed the paperwork.

Nonetheless, Anya was excited for the happy couple. And when Anya dragged a groggy Raven out of bed, eyes still half-closed as she blindly searched for the coffee Anya placed into her hand, Anya thought that maybe, one day, she would be that happy too. With her sleeping girlfriend tucked into the passenger seat, a kiss placed on her forehead, the two motored off towards southern California.

\---

“So, when’s the wedding gonna be?” Raven asked, falling onto Anya’s lap with a grunt.

“There’s a perfectly open spot right there.” She mumbled, nonetheless coiling into the Latina’s warm shoulder as her hands slipped around her waist. Raven, ignoring her protests, wiggled as she settled into her human armchair. Anya pulled her closer, leaning against the soft fabric of Raven’s shirt.

“Well, we obviously would need to wait until after we graduate.” Lexa explained.

“Yeah, _wait_ . For _real_ this time.” Clarke chuckled, leaning into the space where Lexa had wrapped her arm around her. Green eyes gazed warmly at the blonde beside her. Anya watched her best friend nod with an adoring smile and glazed eyes. She could see that Lexa’s mind already reeling with wedding ideas.

“Okay, babe. I can be patient.” Lexa whispered.

“No you can’t.” Raven chimed in.

The four women broke into a chorus of laughter.

“Have you thought about who you want to be in your bridal party?” Raven cocked her brows, leaning conspiratorially towards Clarke.

“Geez, Ray! It’s been less than 24 hours. Let me live!” The blonde let out a husky laugh, batting her away. “But yes. You would be my Maid of Honor, if that’s what you’re hinting at.”

Raven almost clocked Anya in the jaw with the speed at which she stood up and barreled into Clarke and Lexa, spilling their glasses into their laps.

“Raven,” Anya urged, while Lexa stood up with a light-hearted shake of her head, veering off towards the kitchen for napkins.

The enthusiasm hardly dwindled as she returned to Anya’s side, grinning devilishly at Clarke and her soaking tank top.

“I’ll be right back.” She laughed. “Don’t break anything.”

“Can’t make any promises.” Raven sing-songed as Clarke shuffled down the hall to change.

Anya rolled her eyes.

“She’s gonna ask you too, you know.”

“What?”

“Lexa,” Raven grinned, “you know she’s going to ask you to be her Maid of Honor, right?”

“Oh. I mean…”

“Be happy, _babe_ !” Raven nudged her shoulder. “You’ll get to work with me. You _love_ me.”

She couldn’t tell which four-letter word made her ears burn more.

\---

Even a five hour drive away, Raven Reyes somehow had connections everywhere. While strolling around downtown, Anya couldn’t help but marvel at the fact that her girlfriend appeared to know _everyone_ at the bar scene.

All Raven had to do was bat her eyes, wink once, or even point finger guns at the bartender, and there would be a round of shots in front of the group - completely free of charge. She even managed to convince one of the karaoke bar owners to let them dance on the tables.

Anya was, quite frankly, a lousy singer. But four bars into the night, and enough drinks for her to lose track of, she was clutching the microphone with one hand and Raven’s waist in the other as she sang “I Will Always Love You” to the best of her inebriated ability. Raven grinned at her with hooded eyes and it was more than enough to compensate for being boo-ed off the stage by Lexa and a hiccuping Clarke.

By the time they had all settled back into the booth, table cleared of a dozen empty shot glasses, Raven was swaying heavily, clenching and unclenching her fingers in Clarke’s direction. Clarke hesitated before slipping off her new engagement ring, allowing Raven to try it on herself.

“Look, babe! Doesn’t the sky look gorgeous tonight?” She hinted, rather obviously, as she pointed with only her left ring-finger in the direction of the window.

Anya quirked a brow. “Sure?”

“I’m Raven. Your girlfriend.” She pointed her finger to herself, the diamond catching against the neon lights of the bar.  “You’re Anya. My girlfriend.” She slurred her words as she pointed the ring in Anya’s direction.

“I’m aware.” Anya nodded, placing her hand on top of Raven’s to avoid stabbing her in the eye. “How about we give that back to Clarke now?”

Raven huffed, but her indignant behavior was quickly forgotten when Anya offered to buy her a drink as consolation. Anya made a note that in 2 years, when they finish graduate school, she’d buy an even bigger, better ring.

\---

Anya knew that Raven never wore rings since she was always tinkering in the lab. Having a metal band around her finger while working with conductive electronics and wires was not exactly wise. So Anya spent her time secretly gauging the diameter of Raven’s ring finger, noting the size in reference to everyday objects. Thicker than a ballpoint pen. Not as wide as the lock on their bedroom door. If only she knew, those measurements would never actually make it passed the small notepad she had hidden at the bottom of her sock drawer.  

\---

_“So, what are you wearing?”_

She could detect the double entendre from a thousand miles away. She pressed the phone between her ear and shoulder as she continued to riffle through the closet. “My suit. The black one with the silver cuff links and the grey tie you bought me.”

 _“Ugh! So sexy.”_ Raven purred on the other line. _“Send pics.”_

Anya rolled her eyes, but stood in front of the mirror, snapping a picture of her outfit for the big meeting.

 _“You’re going to do great.”_ Raven’s voice went soft. _“And you look beautiful.”_

“Don’t be mushy. It doesn’t suit you.”

Raven’s laughter rang in her ears. _“Fine. But I bet you’re blushing.”_

“Shut it.” She glared at her giddy reflection in the mirror, burning cheeks betraying her normally cool demeanor.

 _“Okay. I take it back. You’re fucking gonna kick ass like a goddamn boss bitch.”_  
  
“Much better.” Anya chuckled. “Now, enough of that. How’s _your_ internship going?”

There was a pause before Raven replied. _“It’s you know. It’s just an internship.”_

“Just a _paid_ internship in _Texas_ with _NASA_.” She emphasized each word more than the last. “There are plenty of things you need to turn up your humility for. This isn’t one of them.”

 _“Yeah.”_ Raven trailed off. _“Okay, I guess so.”_

She frowned at the lack of retaliative snark. They didn’t discuss their feelings often, but Anya could sense that something felt off.

“You okay over there?”

_“Fine. Still a little jet-lagged.”_

“Have you been sleeping well?” Anya knew she, herself, hadn’t. She missed the press of warm skin against her own, and the tug of stolen blankets halfway through the night. Sleeping with Raven always made the horror of a 5:00 am alarm so much more bearable.

 _“Not really.”_ Raven cleared her throat, voice going stiff. _“Look, I gotta go. My lunch break is about to end. We’ll talk after you get off work.”_

“Alright. Bye, R-”

The line clicked dead before she could finish.

Anya sighed, running her fingers over her blazer one last time. No time for emotions now, she had to prepare. She’d dwell on missing her girlfriend _after_ the presentation.

\---

“What are you looking at?” Anya asked digital-Raven on her phone screen.

 _“Nothing.”_ Came the crackling reply. She hated how poor the wifi signal was in her kitchen.

She shot a knowing look in her direction before resuming cutting up the vegetables for her dinner. “That looks says anything but nothing.”  She pointed the knife at the screen.

_“Let me ogle my girlfriend from a thousand miles away in peace! Especially since she looks sexy as a motherfucker right now.”_

Anya shook the messy bun on her head, allowing it bobble for a moment. “You call this rat’s nest sexy?”

_“Ugh! Yes. Stop it!”_

She couldn’t help but laugh. “I didn’t do anything! Maybe you should spend some time with your vibrator.” She accused with another gesture of the knife.

_“Fuck! Stop it! Your affinity for knives is both wildly disturbing and a freakish turn on.”_

She snorted. “You have the wildest kinks.”

 _“Thank you.”_ Raven beamed before sighing. _“One month and I get to come home to that.”_

Anya swallowed. “I miss you too.”

_“Nah. I meant your cooking.”_

“Ass.”

_“Oh! You wanna see it?”_

Before she could protest, Raven’s back was to the screen as she paraded away, swaying her hips as she sauntered for the camera.

“Okay, okay. That’s enough.” She hated how tight her voice had become.

Laughter rang out. _“Now who’s the pervy one?”_

“Fuck you.”

_“Ugh! Yes, please!”_

One month, she reminded herself. It was going to be fine. One month wasn’t that long. Raven would be back in no time and things would be the same as they always had been. Except they weren’t.

 


	2. Chapter 2

Today was the day. Raven would finally be done with her internship and on a plane back home. Anya spent the whole morning preparing the apartment, cleaning and prepping to make Raven’s favorite dinner dishes for her arrival.

 **Anya (2:48 pm):** Will be waiting at arrivals when you land.

She finished scraping the diced tomatoes into the crockpot before adding.

 **_Anya (2:51 pm):_ ** _PS. Fly safe._

 **_Raven (2:52 pm):_ ** _Love you too. Get ready for a surprise._

 **_Anya (2:53 pm):_ ** _I said no presents._

 **_Raven (2:54 pm):_ ** _Conceited. It’s not for you._

 **_Anya (2:55 pm):_ ** _?????????_

 **_Raven (2:56 pm):_ ** _G2g text you when I land._

Whatever games her girlfriend was playing still didn’t phase her excitement. After only being able to see Raven’s face in a 4-inch digital format, nothing could bring her down. She couldn’t wait to finally have Raven rushing into her arms again.

\---

She almost missed her, startling when knuckles rapped against the glass of the passenger side door.

Her hand shot for the latch as she stumbled out of the vehicle, giving her girlfriend a once-over. Then a twice-over. And blinking harshly before giving her a third-over. Her brain wasn’t comprehending.

“Wh-what? When? What happened?”

She tried not to let her frustration bubble over her panic, but the sight of her girlfriend _limping_ to the trunk with her entire leg stuck in a brace had her heart racing. And not in the good way that the Latina so often made it jump.

Raven shrugged as she threw her bag into the trunk of Anya’s beat up Ford. “Accident at the lab. Told you it’d be a surprise.”

Anya trailed after her with blazing eyes. “This isn’t something to joke about, Raven.”

Raven snorted with a self-deprecating scoff. “Don’t I know it.”

The sag in Raven’s shoulders made her chest ache. Anya took a step back to collect her emotions, focusing on the girl in front of her. Her need to understand would have to take the sidelines for now. She reached out to lightly grab Raven’s wrist before she could round the passenger seat. With a gently tug, Anya pulled Raven back enough to force her to make eye contact. “Why didn’t you tell me?” Anya placed to hands on her shoulders, hating the way her girlfriend immediately tensed under her gentle touch.

“An, I’m fine.” Raven quickly squirmed out from under her and averted her gaze. “I don’t wanna talk about it.”

Anya swallowed, taking a different approach. “Ray, are you… is it gonna be okay?”

“Yeah. It’s fine.” Her girlfriend’s voice was stiff. “Just gotta go do some physical therapy.”

“We’ll find you the best physical therapist in all of California.” Anya pledged.

“Thanks, babe.” Raven replied before perking up. “But you know, I’m still fully functional with my hands, if you know what I mean.” She wiggled her brows for emphasis.

Though she wished Raven wouldn’t cover it up with humor, her body still reacted despite her mind trying to focus on the issue at hand. Her face brightened like a tomato and her cheeks burned.

Raven attempted to lift onto her tiptoes to place a kiss on her girlfriend’s cheek, only to stumble forward. Anya swooped in just in time.

“Goddamn brace.” Raven muttered under her breath.

She decided it was best to let the conversation be for the moment. They had a lot of catch up on, starting with a home-cooked meal and an early -or rather, not so early - bedtime.

“Take it easy, Reyes.” Anya smirked with chocolate orbs filled with affection. “No need to fall for me again.”

Using her free hand, Raven swatted at Anya’s shoulder. “Fuck you, Forest.”

“I’ve missed that.” She grinned.

Raven quirked a brow as she gestured with two fingers. “The fucking?”

Unfazed, Anya continued with a shake of her head. “Seeing your smile.”

Raven rolled her eyes. “You’re gross.” She spun on her heels, opening the car door. She propped her leg into the car before swiveling her torso. Anya held her tongue from making any comments. The last thing Raven needed was pity.

“Come on, let’s see how much you’ve missed me.” Raven proposed, buckling her seat belt.

Anya quickly flipped her turn signal.

\---

God, she hoped this worked. It had been heart wrenching to watch Raven hobble across the apartment, her brace catching against the corners of the couch when she attempted to do something as simple as make a bag of popcorn, or stubbing the toe of her boot against the kitchen table because she had no sense of feeling in her lower extremity.

The afternoon of Raven’s first appointment, Anya was frankly, terrified. She didn’t know much about paralysis, but she knew it could be permanent, and Raven had said that the injury occurred a few weeks before the internship ended. Knowing her girlfriend’s stubborn attitude and headstrong demeanor, she who knew how long Raven had been putting off actual treatment? Still, her anger was clouded by her sense of fear, not just for her girlfriend’s physical health, but her mental health too.

As they stepped through the door, Anya schooled her expression to neutrality, bordering on indifference. She needed to be strong. When the doctor called Raven inside, her girlfriend unlaced her fingers and Anya resisted the urge to whine at the loss of contact.

“I’ll be back in an hour.”

“Do you want me to go with -”

“One hour,” Raven cut off sharply. With that, Anya was left in the waiting room to dwell on her thoughts. If Raven could be strong, Anya could too. Or so she thought.

\---

Raven had been going to physical therapy once a week for two months already, but the progress she was making was far less than what they hoped for. Anya tried her best not to let her worry show around her girlfriend, but she could see the disappointment on Raven’s face when she left each appointment no better off than the last.

This physical therapy session had been particularly intense and Anya could tell by the sweat marks seeping through the front of Raven’s t-shirt that it had taken a toll on her. After undressing her girlfriend from her soiled clothing and carrying her into a warm bath, Anya situated herself behind the younger woman, pressing her fingers into her tensed back muscles and kissing the space where her neck met her shoulders. She had meant for it to be relaxing, but when Raven flinched, water sloshing everywhere, her ticklish reaction resulted in heavy caressing followed by a breathy make out session instead.

Not that Anya minded. But she wanted Raven to vocalize her thoughts, instead of burying the words in Anya’s mouth and letting them die on her tongue.

\---

They eventually _did_ talk about it. Sort of.

The sheets were tossed about as Raven thrashed, whimpering in her sleep. Anya immediately awoke to the sound, coaxing her out of her nightmare with gentle strokes against her shoulder. “Ray, wake up. Shh. It’s okay. You’re okay. Babe, please wake up.”

Raven shot up with a gasp and wide, teary eyes.

“Hey, what’s going on? Did you have another nightmare?” Anya asked as she wrapped an arm around Raven’s trembling frame.

Raven gave a stiff nod, settling back under the sheets. It had been happening every few days. Raven would toss and turn in her sleep, sometimes waking with flashbacks from the explosion. Other times from frustration when her therapy sessions didn’t go well. And other times, well… Anya wasn’t sure what the other reasons were. But she knew it couldn’t be healthy.

“Ray,” Anya bit the inside of her cheek. She had been debating whether or not to bring it up for a while. She let the suggestion escape from her lips as she ran her nails down Raven’s back. “Maybe it would be good for you to try going to therapy.”

“I’m already in therapy.” Raven’s reply was flat.

“You know what I mean. Not physical therapy. Mental.”

“There’s nothing wrong with me!” Raven clenched her teeth. “I’m not crazy.”

“I’m not saying that you are. I just… I’m just worried about you.”

“You don’t have to worry about me. I can take care of myself.” Raven huffed, shifting in Anya’s arms.

“But you don’t have to. I can-”

“Can we just drop it? I’m tired.”

Anya sighed, assuming her role as the big spoon. She laid behind Raven’s body, her arm draped across her side as she squeezed her eyes shut. But sleep would not come.

A few minutes later, Raven whispered into the dark, “Your persistent faith in this situation provides both a sense of reckless naivety and endless comfort.”

“Don’t be sarcastic.” Anya hushed, not bothering to open her eyes.

“I’m not.” Raven gave a scoot backwards, pressing closer. Anya took the cue and began to run her fingers through Raven’s hair.

“You’re gonna be fine, Ray. It’ll get better. I promise.” The words didn’t sound as convincing as she wished. She buried her face in Raven’s neck.

\---

When they hit month four of therapy sessions, Raven had slowly regained the ability to balance on her lower extremities without the use of the her cane. But Anya still slowed her steps when they traveled to get groceries and always offered to be the driver when they went on long roadtrips. 

“You don’t have to keep babying me, you know.” Raven leaned her hip against the kitchen counter. “I hate that shit.” 

Anya stood from where she had been kneeling on the ground, readhering the padding on the corner of the kitchen table that Raven often bumped her brace against. 

“I’m not trying to-”

Her girlfriend held up a hand, accompanied by a shake of her head. “I’m gonna go work on some tech. I need to concentrate.”

Anya bore her gaze into the woman in front of her. Raven had been burying herself in her engineering homework. Much more than a senior in college should. Anya knew her workload was heavy, but there was no way it was  _ this  _ heavy.

“Anyway,” Raven darted her gaze to the ground. “okay then.” 

\---

A few hours later, Anya eventually found her way to bed. She could hear when Raven finally wrapped up. The clunk of her brace echoed through the wooden hallway as she approached, finally muting against the plush bedroom carpet. 

Raven slunk into the bedroom, lacing her arms around Anya’s neck with a wet kiss to her cheek. “Hey, babe.” She blew a raspberry as the bed dipped.

Anya grimaced, wiping the slobber off her face. “You’re in a better mood.” She flipped to face Raven, sniffing. “Wait. Have you been drinking?”

“Just a beer or two.” Raven poked Anya in the nose with a shrug. “Why? Don’t wanna cuddle with the refreshing scent of hops?”

Shoving aside her reservations, Anya reached forward to release Raven’s hair from its tight ponytail, combing her fingers through before replying, “An IPA? Really, Reyes?” Anya chuckled. “I expected better from you.” 

Raven huffed, the smell of beer lingering on her breath. It should have been disgusting, but this was the freest Raven had been in months. Maybe a little intoxication was a good thing. “Yeah, well… so did everyone else.”

Maybe not.

Anya winced, hand frozen in the strands of Raven’s hair. She hated the way Raven was coping with the rehab. 

“But hey, whatever, right? It’s not like I died or anything so it’s fine."

“You can’t say those kind of things.”

“Yeah I can.” Raven rolled her eyes. “Freedom of speech and all that.” She waved her hand as she continued to deflect. “You should know all about that. I mean, don’t you want to be a lawyer and all that? At least you can still do that. Not like you’re fucking crippled or anything.”

Anya clenched her jaw. “Stop it.”

“Stop what? Telling the truth?” Raven sat up. “Isn’t that what you want? The whole truth and nothing but the truth?”

Something inside her snapped. “Fucking stop it, Raven! You always act so tough but you’re just  _ desperate _ . You’re desperate for someone to understand you and goddamnit, I get it. Why won’t you just let me be that person for you? Why can’t you just accept the fact that I want to help you?”

“Because it’s not enough!” The words sound like nails on a chalkboard as the spitfire woman finally allowed extinguished. Tears pricked at the back of her eyes as Raven continued to glare daggers into her.

“Then tell me how to do more.”

“I don’t want you to do more! I don’t want you to do anything! I don’t… I don’t…” Raven’s eyes were wild. “I can’t be a burden anymore.”

“It’s okay to ask for help.” Anya couldn’t believe that she, of all people, was saying it. But there were always exceptions. 

“I don’t want help! Especially not yours. I’m supposed to be your girlfriend not your pity case.”

“You’re not a pity case.” Anya placed a hand on Raven’s. 

The hysterical woman quickly withdrew it. “You can’t just  _ fix _ me I’m not a project or a court case you can find loopholes in. the medical diagnosis was final. I’m fucked up for life.”

“That’s not true.”

“I don’t want you to depend on you.”

“I know you’re capable. I just want to make things easier. I w…” She didn’t mean for the words to slip out now. Not in the heat of the moment.  She wasn’t sure at what moment she realized it. But she did. And it was much too fast, too soon. 

“You what?”

She squared her shoulders, looking Raven directly in the eye. “I love you, Raven. I’m _ in love _ with you. And I want to spend the rest of my life with you. No matter what happens.”

Raven all but tumbled off the bed. “I think… I need a little space.”

Anya’s chest stung. “Where are you going?” she asked as Raven already began to pack a bag. 

“I’m not sure. But don’t worry about it. I’ll be safe.”

As if Anya could do anything but.

**Author's Note:**

> Decided to dig up this old project that I started but never finished. Feel free to send me messages or check out my book - Something Tragic. 
> 
> Book: https://www.amazon.com/Jessica-Yeh/e/B07BB6DFXN%3Fref=dbs_a_mng_rwt_scns_share  
> Message me: https://www.facebook.com/JessicaYehWrites/
> 
> PS. Here's the angsty playlist I created to listen to while I write this. Gets ya right in the feels. https://open.spotify.com/user/1232044112/playlist/58sYWeSeS7rA3nbx8XNQ5e?si=UYNIllgQQo6K2hy5TcnIwg


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